Should You Show Them That Poem About Them?The real rules for writing about family and friends (and staying friends)
Here's what nobody tells you about writing poetry: the best material comes from the people you actually know. Your mother's hands. Your ex's laugh. That friend who ghosted you. But turning real people into poems is like walking through a minefield blindfolded—one wrong step and you've blown up the relationship or perhaps the dinner table.
The Big Question: Do You Need Permission?
Short answer: No.
Long answer: You don't need permission to write the poem. Your experiences are yours. But publishing? That's where it gets messy.
Once your poem leaves your journal and hits the internet (or a literary magazine, or an open mic), you're not just exploring your truth. You're potentially exposing someone else's story without their consent. Even if you think you're being subtle.
5 Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Hit "Submit"
1. Is this poem kind? Not flattering, but kind. Does it see them as human, or reduce them to their worst moment?
2. Would this hurt them? If yes, is that pain necessary for truth-telling, or are you just being
mean?
3. Are you still angry? Poems written in white-hot rage are powerful but rarely fair. Give
them time to breathe.
4. Is this their story to tell? Witnessing someone's trauma isn't the same as living it.
5. Would you want to be written about this way? Golden rule applies to poetry too.
4 Strategies That Actually Work
• Use composite characters. Blend details from multiple people. Emotional truth ≠
documentary.
• Focus on YOUR experience. "What I Learned from Silence" instead of "My Father
at the Kitchen Table." Shift the lens.
• Change identifying details. Names, locations, jobs. Keep the emotional core, protect
their identity.
• Write it, then wait. Some of my best poems sat in a drawer for years before I was
ready to share them. Your relationship with the poem will evolve.
What If They Say No?
This is the nuclear scenario: You've written something brilliant. The person asks you not to
publish it. You have the legal right to publish (assuming no libel). But the moral right? That's
yours to decide.
Ask yourself: Is this poem worth losing this relationship? Is its value to the world greater
than the harm to this one person?
Sometimes the answer is yes, especially if you're writing about abuse, systemic harm, or
truths that need telling. But often, more often than we want to admit, the kindest thing is
choosing the person over the poem
The Bottom Line
Writing about the people you love is some of poetry's richest territory. These relationships shaped you—of course you're going to write about them.
But with that richness comes responsibility. Ask hard questions. Be willing to wait, revise, or sometimes choose silence.
The constraint makes you better. When you can't rely on cheap shots or easy reveals, when you have to honor other people's truths alongside your own, your poems become more nuanced, more honest, more human.
So, write about your family. Write about your friends. Just keep your eyes open to what you're doing, and your heart open to what it might cost.
Eileen Porzuczek (she/her) is a creative writer, artist, memoirist, and award-winning poet. She is the author of "Memento Mori: A Poetic Memoir in Three Parts" (Finishing Line Press, 2025). Her writing appears in numerous anthologies and literary magazines, including Creation Magazine, So It Goes: The Journal of the Kurt Vonnegut Library, New Plains Review, Sheepshead Review, and more. Eileen often draws on personal experience in her writing and understands the importance of doing so gracefully.
