Pantoum for my Mother

“Trust your anger. It is a demand for love” -Natalie Diaz

She tried to jump onto the neighbor's balcony
from our apartment on the fourth floor
the night was clear to see
there were many reasons to flee but not to put the blame on him
in the aftermath of a fight over filetes empanados

from our apartment on the fourth floor
  the night was clear to see
my brother and I were scared and young
in the aftermath of a fight over misplaced shoes
she woke us outcrying and smeared her fury on our faces

My brother and I had no opinion
I believe she believed this illness had ravaged her 
air, play, affection, autonomy 
and woke us outcrying and smeared her fury on our faces.
Imagine him, ill and alone, I try to imagine him 
married to her surrender and torment

I believe she believed enduring lovelessness was her duty
There were many reasons to flee but she cooked and made the beds.
Imagine him, I try to imagine him married to her anger his fear 
her fear his silence
his anger her fear
his fear her silence
trying to jump onto the neighbor's balcony, 
that night from our apartment on the fourth floor