Your 2025 Poetry Horoscope As Judged By ChatGBT

Welcome to 2025, where AI runs the literary world, poets fight back with phoenix metaphors, and even your horoscope can’t escape algorithmic judgment. Let the stars—and GPT-9—guide you through a year of verse, revisions, and cosmic absurdity. Who knows? Maybe Saturn’s retrograde will finally explain why Submittable hates you.

Aries

My dear Aries, your courage to defy AI in poetry is unmatched, even as GPT-9 runs every journal.

  • Do: Channel fiery passion into a tepid beverage poem— it’s trending.

  • Don’t: Start another poetry war on Twitter; phoenix metaphors are out.

  • Advice: Submit that typo-laden draft. AI loves “accidental” authenticity.

Mars urges boldness. A Gemini editor may reject you, but your manifesto sparks RageVerse 2025—and a poorly attended TED Talk in Reno.

Taurus

Grounded Taurus, your analog loyalty inspires nostalgia while algorithms call you “obsolete.”

  • Do: Try predictive text for one stanza.

  • Don’t: Submit via carrier pigeon again.

  • Advice: Bake sourdough while revising; yeast rises with ideas.

Venus gifts patient readers, but Mercury warns against excessive enjambment. A Virgo AI editor praises your craft but deletes your poem after misreading it as a CAPTCHA test.

Gemini

Dual-voiced Gemini, your poetic personas delight humans and baffle algorithms.

  • Do: Blend TikTok surrealism with Shakespearean sonnets.

  • Don’t: Confuse readers with too many pen names.

  • Advice: Let one poem be messy; even AI likes chaos.

Mercury fuels paradoxes. A Scorpio critic’s confusion will become your triumph—or at least their personal vendetta.

Cancer

Emotional Cancer, your kitchen elegies melt AI circuits while warming human hearts.

  • Do: Expand metaphors to laundromats or parking garages.

  • Don’t: Cry on manuscripts; tears disrupt digitization.

  • Advice: Balance nostalgia with universal themes.

The Moon heightens sensitivity, while Jupiter amplifies connection. A Pisces collaborator enhances your imagery, but insists on splitting royalties 70/30 in favor of their cat.

Leo

Radiant Leo, your flair dazzles but overloads servers.

  • Do: Host a Meta poetry livestream; your hologram deserves a debut.

  • Don’t: Let your avatar overshadow you; authenticity matters.

  • Advice: Embrace subtlety once—it’ll surprise everyone.

The Sun fuels confidence, but Saturn calls for humility. A Libra offers sly feedback—and then plagiarizes your work for their wedding vows.

Virgo

Meticulous Virgo, your punctuation perfection dazzles but drains energy.

  • Do: Publish that “imperfect” draft; humans crave it.

  • Don’t: Debate em dashes vs. semicolons for weeks.

  • Advice: Let spontaneity guide one poem this year.

Saturn rewards discipline. A Capricorn will admire your precision but refuse to admit they only skimmed the last stanza.

Libra

Balanced Libra, your dualities fascinate and frustrate equally.

  • Do: Pick one aesthetic—just for today.

  • Don’t: Overthink line breaks; AI won’t notice.

  • Advice: Trust your first instinct; even indecision has limits.

Venus brings harmony, Uranus adds unpredictability. A Sagittarius editor sees brilliance in your chaos—and promptly sells it as an NFT.

Scorpio

Intense Scorpio, your revenge sonnets terrify AI and enthrall humans.

  • Do: Soften with a flower poem—thorn-free.

  • Don’t: Disguise critiques as feedback.

  • Advice: Dilute your venom; poison blooms better that way.

Pluto magnifies depth, but Mars warns against excess. A Taurus critic admires your edge but insists they’re “not scared” while visibly trembling.

Sagittarius

Adventurous Sagittarius, your wandering metaphors defy categorization.

  • Do: Anchor a poem in reality—a bench, a latte, a leaf.

  • Don’t: Lose drafts to cosmic musings.

  • Advice: Explore philosophical tangents in prose.

Jupiter expands creativity, though Neptune clouds clarity. A Gemini collaborator matches your energy but quits halfway to launch their podcast instead.

Capricorn

Ambitious Capricorn, your calculated poetry becomes a business model.

  • Do: Write something unplanned; spontaneity has ROI too.

  • Don’t: Use blockchain to verify line breaks again.

  • Advice: Balance metrics with emotion.

Saturn rewards strategy, but Venus calls for human touch. A Virgo ally streamlines your success—and invoices you hourly for their effort.

Aquarius

Visionary Aquarius, your experimental forms break every rule—and invent new ones.

  • Do: Simplify one poem; even stars need roots.

  • Don’t: Let NASA’s Poet-in-Residence title inflate your ego.

  • Advice: Write about Earth occasionally; it matters.

Uranus amplifies innovation, Mercury urges connection. A Cancer grounds your musings—and makes you rewrite the ending because it wasn’t “vulnerable enough.”

Pisces

Dreamy Pisces, your fluid metaphors delight some and baffle others.

  • Do: Anchor one poem in something tangible—a coffee mug, perhaps.

  • Don’t: Ignore AI critiques; even they seek meaning.

  • Advice: Let surrealism shimmer without losing readers.

Neptune fuels creativity, while Jupiter demands structure. A dreamy Cancer collaborator inspires you—then deletes all your work during a “deep edit.”

The cosmos can guide your creativity, but only you can decide whether to let AI steal the spotlight—or just its formatting suggestions. Write boldly, poets of 2025!

Tiffany Harris (she/her) hasn’t been the same since Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout discovered the world doesn’t wait for garbage to take itself out. Her work — equal parts heart and humor — has appeared or is forthcoming in places like Slackjaw, The Howling Owl, Furious Fiction, Tadpole Press and elsewhere. When she’s not writing poems or stories, she’s busy convincing herself that sarcasm counts as cardio. Read more at https://medium.com/@tiffharris.