STIGMATA
I could declare myself a Lady Lazarus like Plath
or a Jesus resurrected from the tomb. I am
the Easter miracle, indeed. There is no doubting
Thomas here—I could’ve punished myself
more. I could’ve surrendered. My life expected
to stop that summer—the long walks,
not eating, taking new pills—I would stop
to smell the white blossoms on that tree
next to the blue house, a smell to say
I’d won today, a little battle of not
slitting my wrist, a little battle of sitting
on my hands instead. I circled the neighborhood,
watching the white families play outside
with their white children. I let myself sweat,
fingers dripping with my inner salt.
I wanted to prove to them I was sick,
but I wasn’t lazy. It’s hard work being
sick and harder getting better. At home,
the grapes I shifted around the bowl received
my most gentle hand. Time doesn’t heal
all wounds. Time is the wound. Behind a rock,
three days would drive anyone mad. I still
don’t know the name of that tree.
NOTEBOOK FRAGMENTS
Fact: almost all hookups happen while watching The Office
Willingly? I’ve only made out with one dog
The universe brought us together on a summer night outside one of the shittiest bars known to man
Can I show you something? There’s no nudity in it
There are two wild turkeys in the Planet Fitness parking lot
The animal hospital is next to the roast beef sandwich shop
You’d think considering everything that happens at Hogwarts over the course of those seven years they would’ve closed the place down?
After he yelled in my face, he bought me a leather jacket, then a painting
Be grateful, get to know your ribcage
I used to call him beefcake
Fact: All honey has been in the belly of a bee
Fact: This time last year, I was masturbating while staying on an Amish farm
As naturally as he came into my thoughts
Like how a dark lord trapped in a freakin’ diary possesses a little girl, who then unleashes a deadly snake that roams the school through the plumbing and can kill anyone simply by looking directly into their eyes, not even after that?
That’s how unnaturally he will leave
L’s allergies: raw fruit, grass, trees, shellfish, peanuts
Do you know what it’s like to fuck a millionaire at midnight in his outdoor hot tub, moon peeking through the pergola?
Start thinking about struts, alignments, and plugs
By bus, New York City is only 5 hours from here
No worries! I spoke your name into the room and there you were
I want intimacy like knowing your next dentist appointment
Sometimes words are just pretty
Sometimes almonds, horsehair
I perform survivor for the funders
Got a covid test and a pregnancy test going all at once
I’m their girl for the dying flowers
Say: profundamente
It’s October 10th at 12:30 PM
I make myself look alone so they find me at the bar—reading a book, sipping gin
A regulated nervous system is a sexy nervous system
Every Property Brothers episode where the worst thing that could happen happens
The millionaire said he wanted to put a rich baby in me
So they took down a load bearing wall and put a support beam in the ceiling
Maybe I’m the blonde girl I was drowning in my dream, her hands identical to mine
I almost sucked your dick near a pile of manure
At the bar, the drunk girl asks what happened to you? and I say everything
I held her head underwater
J’s allergies: grass, down, dust, cats, mango skin, detergents, sensitive to canned foods
After he yelled in my face, he bought me another leather jacket
I bet Jesus fucked
The condoms come in from Amazon, so I distribute them to all my purses
Anxiety attack near the gemstones at the Museum of Natural History
Say: I lost you and I did not die
I am the girl who brings the sandwich and then floats in the background unnoticed
I almost sucked your dick at the museum
Contact-free delivery means no one will see you again
Sensitive to “Life on Mars” and the smell of cooked meat on my sweater
On planes, I like to watch what other people are watching on their screens
Can I show you something? There’s no nudity in it
Objects in mirror are sadder than they appear
Diannely Antigua is a Dominican American poet and educator, born and raised in Massachusetts. Her debut collection Ugly Music (YesYes Books, 2019) was the winner of the Pamet River Prize and a 2020 Whiting Award. Her second poetry collection Good Monster is forthcoming with Copper Canyon Press in 2024. She received her BA in English from the University of Massachusetts Lowell, where she won the Jack Kerouac Creative Writing Scholarship, and received her MFA at NYU, where she was awarded a Global Research Initiative Fellowship to Florence, Italy. She is the recipient of additional fellowships from CantoMundo, Community of Writers, Fine Arts Work Center Summer Program, and was a finalist for the 2021 Ruth Lilly and Dorothy Sargent Rosenberg Poetry Fellowship. Her work has been nominated for the Pushcart Prize and chosen for The Best of the Net Anthology. Her poems can be found in Poem-a-Day, Poetry, The American Poetry Review, Washington Square Review, The Adroit Journal, and elsewhere. She currently teaches in the MFA Writing Program at the University of New Hampshire as the inaugural Nossrat Yassini Poet in Residence. She hosts the podcast Bread & Poetry and is currently the Poet Laureate of Portsmouth, New Hampshire, the youngest and first person of color to receive the title. In 2023, she was awarded an Academy of American Poets Laureate Fellowship to launch The Bread & Poetry Project.